Muggles Anonymous
by Guardian Demon
Summary: Voldie & co. come up with an evil plot to convice everyone else that they're Muggles. PG for wand-stealing, dueling, and evil llamas. Quite insane, as usual. Read, enjoy, review!


Muggles Anonymous

A very extremely brief but oh-so-very-important short little tiny note which is even shorter than its extremely long and unimportant title which I am making even longer so as to annoy, confuse, and generally make the people reading it hate me for the rest of their natural lives, but I don't really care, do I? and of course I didn't think so because I happen to be quite insane, and I am proud of that fact thank you very much and always be polite to dragons. And now for the note itself: I like ducks, they're fuzzy!!!

Another note: Looky, 'tis a challenge! First one I've done in awhile. *grins* I'm so proud of myself! Oh yeah, you need the requirements, don't ya?

*May be any genre.

*It must take place in Harry-time (a.k.a. no MWPP).

*Someone must say, "Those llamas were starting to scare me."

*There must be someone singing a Beach Boys' song.

*Someone must lunge at someone else with a butter knife.

*There must be a bowl of trail mix.

*There must be a hot air balloon.

*Someone must also say, "I think that's fabtabulus!"

*An animal must change colors.

*Plot optional. J 

Once upon a time in the Gryffindor common room, which actually is not really a good phrase to use because of course time is sort of messed up in Hogwarts as you all know, so maybe I should just start over on account of this sentence is getting sort of messed up and if my English teacher read this story she would fling me off a cliff or something horrific like that, but anyway, there was a group of people who decided to make an evil plot, or something of the sort. Of course there was our old friend Voldie, cuz whenever there's an evil plot he has to be involved, otherwise he just sits around all pouty. And of course wherever Voldie goes, his little gang of friends goes too. So they were there too. Also for reasons unknown there was a Pikachu. Don't ask why. It just wandered in. So there they were, sitting around in the Gryffindor common room. They were pretty hot in there, cause everyone was gone for the summer, but there was still a fire cuz there's always a fire going in the Gryffindor common room.

"I'm hot," complained Wormtail. "Can we puhleeze put out the fire? Pretty pleease?"

"NO!!" roared Lucius Malfoy. "There *always* has to be a fire in the Gryffindor common room! It's the rules!"

"Pika," commented Pikachu.

"Can we leave then?" asked Wormtail.

"Yeah, why are we even here?" added Macnair.

"Pika-pi!" exclaimed Pikachu.

"Good point," Voldie agreed. He and his gang of little friends Apparated out of the common room to their secret underground hideout thingy, which was sort of like a treehouse except for no tree. And far away, Hermione Granger's voice said, "YOU CAN'T APPARATE OR DISAPPARATE ON HOGWARTS GROUNDS!!!"

"Ahhh, much better," said Voldie, crunching on some trail mix.

"Hey, Master, stop hogging the trail mix!" said Lucius, reaching for the bowl.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" yelled Voldie, fending him off with a large couch pillow.

"No fair," Lucius muttered darkly.

"Chu," Pikachu agreed. 

"AAAAAAH!" Avery screamed, pointing at the Pikachu. "Why's that thing here? Step on it, step on it! Ewww!" Avery went on shrieking as the others looked at him strangely.

"I like it," Wormtail volunteered. "It's cute." He joined Avery in receiving strange looks.

"Will you all shut up!!!!!" Voldie shouted. Silence fell.

"Pika-pi, pika pikachu, pika-pi pika pi-chu," the confused Pikachu said.

"You too, shut up," Voldie added. "We were going to take over the world today, remember?"

"Oh yeah, that's right!" said everyone else. 

"I got an idea," commented Macnair. "How about we take over the chocolate croissant industry, and then get everyone addicted to them? And then-"

"Won't work," interrupted Nott. "I'm allergic to chocolate."

"We could kidnap a world leader and make all the others pay huge ransoms, and then pay them all off with the money!" shouted Moon.

"Duh, that sounds hard," said Goyle.

"I know, I know! Pick me!" yelled Lucius, waving his hand in the air. Voldie rolled his eyes and nodded at him. "How about if we make all the other wizards think they're Muggles? We can make them go to a support group!"

"Oooooh, I like! I think that's fabtabulus!!" said Voldie. "And we'll call it… MUGGLES ANONYMOUS!!" A cheer rose up. "BAILAMOS!" someone yelled. Everyone danced, until a voice said, "Uh, Spork? Wrong challenge." Then the music stopped and everyone quit dancing.

"Pika," said Pikachu, and it promptly turned blue.

"That was random," Wormtail remarked.

~*~*~One Week Later~*~*~

Harry Potter sat in a small room with Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and the rest of the Gryffindor students in his year, along with the Quidditch team. Everyone was sitting in folding chairs that were arranged in a circle, except for Seamus, who was sitting in the corner singing "Surfin' USA" quietly to himself.

"Um, Hermione?" asked Harry. "Why's Seamus singing a Beach Boys' song?"

"Who knows?" replied Hermione.

"Hey, who're the Beach Boys? And why are we in this little room?" interrupted Ron.

"There's nothing to blow up," complained Fred.

"Yeah, we're *bored!*" added George.

"This could be a very good thing, or a very bad thing," commented Oliver.

"Surfin' USA!" sang Seamus.

"Don't you, like, know any other songs?" said Lavender.

"Yup!" Seamus nodded, and switched to "Hey Little Minivan".

"That's not a Beach Boys' song!" protested Dean.

"Yeah, that's the Austin Lounge Lizards," agreed Neville.

"Who???" said everyone collectively.

"Okay. I'm not even going to ask," remarked Katie. Just then the door opened and two people walked in, a guy wearing a strange metal hat and a girl carrying a small notebook and a turquoise-colored pen.

"Hi!" said the girl. "I'm Rin, and this is Searcher, and we're here cuz Voldie hired us- I mean, cuz we felt like it, and we're going to help you all with your problems. Don't worry, everyone else is coming in too, but we could only fit so many people, so you're sorta like our guinea pigs, and-" Searcher poked her, and she shut up.

"Anyway," he continued, "we're here to help you all get over this problem of thinking you're really wizards. See, they couldn't get anyone to come to Hogwarts, so you're really Muggles."

"Wait! We can't be Muggles, we've been learning magic for five years!" protested Hermione.

"Yeah, and, like, I got a letter and stuff!" contributed Lavender.

"See, look," said Ron, and he got out his wand. "Lumos!" he yelled. Nothing happened. "Lumos!" he repeated. Still nothing. Everyone else tried spells too. Nothing worked. "I give up!" yelled Ron, throwing his wand over his shoulder.

"I guess we really are Muggles," admitted Harry.

"Man, this bites," said George.

"Yep," agreed Fred.

"Now, now, it's not all that bad," Rin consoled them. "We're here to help you. Now, the first thing you need to do is read this book. It's called, Being A Muggle For Dummies." She handed everyone extremely thick books. 

"And here are your lists," said Searcher, handing out sheets of paper.

"Lists?" asked Neville blankly.

"Of the 12 steps, duh," Rin explained. "Now, enjoy your day!" She shooed them out of the door and closed it behind them.

"So, how did it go?" Voldie and his minions had just Apparated into the room.

"Perfect," said Rin happily. "Here are the wands." She handed everyone's wands to Voldie.

"We took these and replaced them with regular, everyday sticks. They'll never know the difference," Searcher grinned. "Hey, being evil is *fun!* Maybe I oughta give Lawnboy a break."

"Hey, what are you saying?" yelled Rin, poking him. "Don't do that! Then the calendar will have no plot!"

"Oh, right," agreed Searcher. "So what do we do next?"

"Now we tell all the other wizards the same thing."

~*~*~Another Week Later~*~*~

"It's *working!!!*" exclaimed Wormtail, dancing around the hideout.

"Of course it's working," said Voldie. "My plans always work."

"No they don't," argued Lucius. "Remember last year? And the year before that? And anyway, it was my plan, not yours."

"Well, we're the ones doing all the work, so there," said Rin.

"Yeah," agreed Searcher. "Take that."

"Oh yeah?" shouted Voldie. "I summon the Evil Fluorescent Pink and Electric Blue Striped Llamas of DOOM!!!" He made a rather complicated movement with his right elbow and left eyebrow, and several llamas of the above description appeared.

"What did you do that for?" Searcher hit Voldie over the head with his metal hat. "We'll never get them to leave!"

Voldie sweat-dropped. (Spork note: is that right?) "Oopsie. Didn't consider that detail."

"Well, maybe you should have," said Rin, poking Voldie hard in the shoulder.

"What is it with you and poking people?" inquired Searcher.

"What is it with you and searching for things?" retorted Rin.

"Searching for things is my JOB!" Searcher yelled.

"You don't even really search! You just wander around, goofing off until something pops up!" Rin shouted back.

"Well, that's not even your quote!" Searcher bawled.

"You'll pay for that!" Rin pulled out a butter knife. "I challenge thee to a duel! Draw, you knaves, you dogs, you worse than senseless things!"

"Fine!" Searcher shot back, grabbing a pencil. "And stop quoting!" Rin lunged at Searcher with her butter knife, and they battled their way past the llamas and outside. The llamas, being very interested in violence of any kind, followed them. 

"Thank heaven," said Avery. "Those llamas were starting to scare me."

"They're Evil Fluorescent Pink and Electric Blue Striped Llamas of Doom, what did you expect?" remarked Macnair, who was trying to revive Voldie, who had fainted.

"Pika," said Pikachu, turning bright green.

"At least the plan's working," Wormtail commented.

~*~*~Meanwhile, in the small room~*~*~

"This is boring," complained Fred.

"WE KNOW!" shouted everyone else. 

"Hey, I wonder what's behind this door?" said Ron.

"Should we open it? It might be something private," Hermione pointed out.

"Yeah, but this story's getting long and the author needs to put in the last requirement, so we have to open it!" explained Harry.

"Okay," said Hermione. Ron pushed the door open, and everyone walked in.

"Hey, look, it's a whole lot of wands!" said Neville.

"Look, here's mine!" said Alicia.

"And mine!" added Angelina.

"Oh, mine too," Oliver exclaimed. Everyone found their wands and discovered that they worked.

"Like, how did they get here?" asked Parvati.

"I bet Voldie and them stole them to convince us we were Muggles!" gasped Hermione.

"This means we're not really Muggles, right?" asked Ron, looking bewildered.

"Oh Ron you idiot, of course we're not Muggles!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Let's destroy those evil scum!!" shouted Harry. Everyone yelled their agreement and rushed outside towards the lair.

~*~*~Back in the lair~*~*~

"Hey, what's that?" said Nott. He ran to the window and looked outside. "It's the good guys! They must have discovered the evil plan!" Voldie and his minions ran out the back door, grabbed Rin and Searcher, who were still dueling, and leaped into their hot air balloon that they kept especially for emergency situations. As they rose into the air, looking at the surprised and angry faces of the good guys, one voice made a comment.

"Pika-pi-chu!" said Pikachu, turning orange.

Disclaimer: I own almost nothing. All the HP stuffs belong to JK Rowling. Searcher, his hat, and the quote about wandering around goofing off belong to Mantis Design. I dunno who said "Draw, you knaves, you dogs, etc." but it wasn't me. Pikachu belongs to the Pokemon people. I do own Rin, her notebook, and her gel pen. And the Evil Fluorescent Pink and Electric Blue Striped Llamas of Doom- sort of. Oh, and Rin and Searcher are two of my muses. Just so you know. 

Spork Note: Please review, pretty please! I don't normally beg for reviews, I usually threaten, but the last three things I posted didn't get any reviews at all and I'm kind of desperate. *puppy eyes* Pleeease?


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